Safe Sex?

Safe Sex?

I was working as an RN at one of the local ER’s on the 7PM to 7AM shift when I noticed the triage nurse, Kate, taking a young man directly to one of the treatment rooms. This night I was assigned the Urgent Care side of the ER. I was grateful for this as you can only take care of so many MI’s and DKA’s before you get tired of it. Bring on the runny noses and sprained ankles and I am just fine. 

Anyway the young man appeared to be very high on drugs and very anxious. Kate had asked the young man, we’ll call Ole, to sit down in the triage area. Ole refused and began pacing anxiously in the triage area. He refused to tell Kate what the problem was or why he was so upset. Kate was getting frustrated because it was a busy Saturday night and the patients were beginning to back up in the triage area. She was able to get his name, vital signs, and allergies before she decided to bring take him to a treatment room. 

It was at this point I saw her walking him to the room and noticed he was acting very strangely. I was worried for Kate’s safety because I thought he might attack her. On a previous occasion a similar young man came to the ER acting upset and angry. It refused any and all attempts to discuss what was bothering him. His anger escalated and he ran from the treatment room and into the Clean Utility room. He picked up an IV pole and tried to hit one of the doctors, several of the nurses and one tech. He began beating the pole against one of the doors of the Clean Utility room.

The Utility room was placed in the middle of the ER and had doors on each side. While this deranged man beat one door, the doctor closed and locked the other door. Seeing this, the young man dropped the IV pole and closed the other door, locking himself into the utility room. Moments later there was a furious beating on one of the doors and an oxygen tank came flying through the door. It bounced across the concrete floor and careened off the wall stopping harmlessly under a gurney.

Up to this point we were not to concerned about our safety as managing violent patients is just part of the job. Having several fully charged O2 tanks hurled at you is an entirely different problem. Nancy called 911 at this point and we all ran out to the parking lot to await their arrival.All the patients had been removed while he was busy abusing the door with the IV pole.  The police came, subdued the whack job, and we all went about our business. A somewhat atypical night in the ER but nothing all that out of the ordinary.

Enter Ole, another young man anxious and upset and unwilling to talk about it. Kate was sharp enough to place Ole in a room with a surveillance camera. I entered the room smiling and questioned softly if there was anything I could do to help him. Sweat dripped in rivers down his temples, he continued to pace and then paused. He became very quiet and I tensed up. He was either going to cooperate or go berserk. Ole turned to be and said “Cut it out, just throw me on the table right now right here and cut me open and get it out.”

Ok, now I had to figure out if he was just high and imaging something or did he really have a problem. Several years before in another ER I had a patient who believed she had the King of Crabs living under her teeth. She came to the ER bleeding from the mouth, a pair of pliers in one had and a tooth in the other. She kept pulling her cheek back, pointing to her teeth, and repeating “don’t you see him, he’s right there, the King of Crabs.” She then took the pliers, placed them over another tooth and pulled it out right there in front of me. She then ran up to the Unit Secretary, spraying blood with ever word she repeated “don’t you see he, he’s right there, the King of Crabs.” After this she ran from the ER never to be seen again. Ah, the joys of cocaine and crystal meth abuse.

Ole spoke up. It was the aliens, they placed it there. Now I’m thinking sure, aliens traveled across the galaxy to play with your ass. Right. He kept talking. See, they dipped it in crystal and put it up there. At this point Kate and I began to get the picture. A smile was creeping across Kate’s face and I knew if she lost it I would also. Ole kept talking. “The aliens put the dildo up me and I can’t get it out, just cut it out right now.”  

Stop it Kate, a broad grin had formed on her face and now I was in danger of breaking down and rolling on the floor laughing. I told him in as straight a face as I could that we would help him and he was now in a safe place. I told him I had to leave the room but I would be right back. The first thing we needed to do was get an x-ray. Ok? This seemed to satisfy him so I left the room, went outside and had a good laugh with Kate.

Prior to arriving at the ER Ole had called his entire family and told them he was dying and he would be at our ER. Nearly 25 members of his family arrived and wanted to know what his diagnosis was. We kept telling them he had an minor intestinal problem but he would be fine. Right outside Ole’s room is a viewing box for xrays. The doctor was looking at his abdominal x-ray and commenting on the size of the dildo when Ole’s mom walked up and demanded to know what was wrong with her son. As smoothly as possible the doctor took Ole’s mom and guided her away from the viewing box and around the corner, winking at us in the process. We took the cue and took the x-rays down.

After surgery the surgeon came back to report on what he found. It was an 11 inch long and 3 inch diameter dildo, still vibrating at the time of removal. It had required the surgeon to place a temporary ostemy. The other item he told us was the the young man was practicing safe sex. The dildo had not one, but two condoms on it.

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