Time For A Trip To The ER

Its time to go to the Emergency Room (ER), what are some things I should think about before heading off to the local ER for treatment. Intended as satire not medical advice. If you think you have an emergency get  to the nearest ER or call 911.

1.         Don't go, it's not really an emergency, and we hate you. No really, you think you have an emergency but it's really not. And seriously, we hate you. Just stay the home, or at the restaurant, movie, massage parlor, your lovers house, or even with your significant other, just anywhere but the ER. Have I told you we hate you yet?

2.         What is the most frequent reason for dragging Jose, Keneesha, Bryttynii, Boneki, Kristyan, Christiaan, Twannekaa, FeMolly, Miiho, and Sterling to the ER? Earaches. Now follow along closely ya hear. EARACHES ARE NOT EMERGENCIES, EARACHES ARE NOT EMERGENCIES!!! Unless it is necrotizing otitis externa. Which is extremely rare. How many people do you know who have died of an earache? None perhaps. Stay home, give the kid some Tylenol or Motrin, put a warm pack on the kids ear, and tell him/her to stop whining or you'll rename them something a normal person can spell. And have I told you we hate you?

3.         In reference to number 2, (bullshit reasons to go to the ER) give your Satanic spawn some Tylenol or Motrin for gods sake. If I have to deal with your spoiled snotlings, at least do something to alleviate their suffering. I will believe you if you tell me their ear hurts or they had a fever. GIVE THEM SOME TYLENOL for the fever and pain, unless they are under 4 months old. Under 4 months old, a rectal temp over 100⁴ is an emergency that needs to be evaluated. No Tylenol or Motrin for these little ones, just a quick trip to the nearest ER for a septic evaluation. And have I told you we hate you, just stay home!

4.         Antibiotics take time to work. If you see your provider at 2:30 PM for an earache, and you gave the first dose of Amoxil at 6:30 PM, it's not going to work by 8 PM. It takes 2 to 3 days, 48 to 72 hours for the antibiotics to start to kick in and kill the bugs. So don't drag your monosynaptic retard to the ER at 8:30 PM and tell me the antibiotic is not working yet. Duh, it's not supposed to be working yet. And have I told you we hate you, just stay home.

5.         Tylenol and Motrin are not vaccines! You must give Tylenol every 4 hours for it to work, Motrin every 6 hours. No really, every 4 hours you have to sit on your ADHD brat and squirt this nasty liquid into their disgusting little oral orifice. Tylenol makes suppositories, thank god. If you drooling, mouth breathing, knuckle dragging morons can't get your spawn to take the Tylenol because  you are too stupid, get some suppositories and stuff them up the brats ass. No, do not use a broomstick dumbass, just some of that astroglide you used to get pregnant in the first place, and a sturdy finger. Again, Tylenol is not a vaccine, you have to stuff it up their ass every 4 hours. The suppositories are great when the brat has a fever and is vomiting at the same time. And have I told you we hate you, just stay home.

6.         Bathe before coming to the ER. And use water and SOAP this time. Pay special attention to your ass and crotch, and feet. I don't like surprises, and I especially don't like things that crawl. This means the whole stinking filthy bunch of you, especially mom and dad. Brush your teeth also, and use something other than the toilet brush to do it. And have I told you we hate you, just stay home.

7.         Don't bring the whole herd with you to the ER. One adult and one sick child that doesn't even need to be in the ER is too many. Leave the other brats at home with a responsible adult, baby sitter, axe murderer, I don't care, just don't bring them to the ER and pester the staff every 3 minutes "aksking" whats wrong with little baby-Jane. This advice especially applies to Hispanics. It's just a fever for gods sake, give the brat some Tylenol, take the snow-suit off of him, and if you have to come to the ER, only the child and one adult, not 25 relatives. And have I told you we hate you, just stay ala casa.

8.         Bring someone who can speak our language. No habla English, is about as welcome as having a root canal. BRING SOMEONE WHO CAN SPEAK ENGLISH, and not some 4-year-old who nods his head and smiles, and never says anything. For that matter, bring someone who will participate in the conversation. I don't want to talk for five minutes, and then have the translator stand there and stare at me and never say anything to the patient. I'll assume the patient actually does speak English and is jerking me off by pretending they don't. And have I told you we hate you, just stay home?

9.         Don't pretend not to speak English just because you are a wussy and want to hold your friends hand. Grow up already. You decided to let "uncle Jonnie" fuck the living shit out of you and now you are pregnant and miscarrying. Act like an adult and face the consequences of your actions. You are going to have strangers stick you with needles, stick their fingers and speculums in your vagina, and have ultrasounds and other tests. And it's going to hurt to have a miscarriage. Stop crying for gods sake, you are only 13; you can get pregnant soon enough. Pregnant and 13 are not honorable goals anyway, get a college degree, and break the welfare-cheat cycle.

10.       If you can't get in the car on your own call an ambulance. I am not willing to damage my back because some breathing offal managed to get into their car, but wants me to lift and carry them into the ER upon arrival. You got that fat by yourself, be prepared to host that fat ass by yourself. Otherwise, call an ambulance and get a ride. Rule of thumb, if the person can't walk, can't get into the car by themselves, can't move their bloated rotundness without help, call an ambulance. And have I told you we hate you, the poor paramedic who has to host your fat petard onto the gurney hates you even moore,  just stay home.

11.       If you are old, feeble, frail, fat, or just stupid, wear something that is easy to remove. With many complaints the doctor, PA, NP is going to want you to get undressed. No we couldn't care less about 93 year old breasts, or ta-ta's which are pierced. If you have a sore throat we want to see if you have a strep rash. Wear something loose, sweats work great. And you old women, for gods sake don't wear skin tight camisoles. What's with that crap anyway? Don't forget rule number 6, bathe before coming. And have I told you we hate you, just stay home.

12.       Bring all the medications you are taking, or make a list of the medications and dosages. Bring the damn list with you. We need to know what you are taking for your own safety. Telling me you take a little white pill just pisses me off. There are 40 thousand pills worldwide, 8 thousand or so in the USA, and most have four or more names. We can't "guess" what the little white fucking pill you are taking is or does. Don't tell me at 2 AM that your doctor knows all the pills you take. I am not going to call your doctor at 2 AM and have him drive to his office, pull your records, and read me the names and dosages of your pills. It's your responsibility to KNOW THE NAMES AND DOSAGES OF THE DRUGS YOU TAKE AND THE REASON FOR TAKING THEM. It's not my body the pills are going into so you NEED TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE TAKING THEM. Better yet just stay home because we hate you.

13.       Know exactly what you are allergic to. Telling me you are allergic to "all antibiotics" or "all mycins" just pisses me off. You might be allergic to "all mycins" except that name covers the names of drugs in five distinct classes of antibiotics. An allergy is when the medication causes you to break out in an itchy rash, swell up, and stop breathing. Tell me you are allergic if you have those symptoms, otherwise tell me why you can't take certain medications, i.e., vomiting, headaches, muscle aches etc... And I don't care what Aunt Gertrude is allergic to, just tell me what you can't take. Include all allergies, even food allergies. And just stay home because we hate you.

14.       And for you fat middle aged psyche women with the psyche look (We know who you are). The best way for you to remain unimpressive to me, is to tell me you have fibromyalgia, mitral valve prolapse, and hypoglycemia. Ok, so one out of three diseases is real, the other are pure bullshit. Fuck-off, die, and get the out of my ER. You're a psyche case and I care even less about you than monera shit. Get a real disease and I might care about you, but probably not. And have I told you I hate you, really really hate you, just stay home and kill yourself. Read "Final Exit" first, so you don't screw it up.

15.       Easter, Christmas, New Years Day, and Thanksgiving are not the day to bring Grandma/Grandpa to the ER because they look like hell. They have looked that way for the past year but you have not seen or cared enough about them to visit, and see that they look like shit. Give them a bath, a nice meal, stay overnight with them, and call their own doctor in the morning to get them nursing home placement. Holliday's are not the best time to try and get an elderly person into a nursing home. They have been tottering around, shitting on themselves for the past year, and you didn't notice, one more day is not going to make any difference. We hate you, just stay home.

16.       Tell us how much you actually drink everyday if you are going to get admitted to the hospital. I want to be able to order beer or wine for you so we don't have to watch you seize in about 36 hours. We are automatically going to double the amount of alcohol you say you drink unless you tell us that you really do drink one case of beer a day and not two. I don't care if you are an alcoholic unless you 1) drive while drunk, 2) fail to tell me and you seize and create problems for my staff. Everybody does things that are not healthy for them, own up to it, we really don't care. And for those men and women who enter the ER pushing a vaporous cloud of alcoholic fumes in front of them, I know for a fact nobody serves 50 ounce beers. Just tell us how much you actually consumed. We are not the police and can't even tell them anything about you, unless they get a court order. And have I told you we hate you?